Today completes my year of “awful firsts.” I got through the first birthday without Claire, the first Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, wedding anniversary and lots of days that were special and unique for both of us. Today completes that first year — her funeral. Getting through the first year was hard — each one of these special days were even harder than the “regular” days and brought up the sadness of living without her.
I’d like to think that after this first year, the worst is behind me, but I know that’s not the case. It’s infuriating to not know what this grief journey has in store for me. Unfortunately, grieving doesn’t “turn off” after one year. These special days are going to come around every year and I know they’re going to be painful…. but, maybe they’ll be an opportunity to revisit the happy memories we made together and maybe even create some memorial traditions….
Grief is probably the most terrible thing I’ve ever experienced — it’s mean, unforgiving, unpredictable, and it’s patient.
Sometimes it waits — it waits until you think you’re “over it” or moved on and seem to be doing better. And then it will say, “Remember me?” And it’s back.
Death changes everything — so far, for me, time has changed nothing….
— 30 —