This is another one of these self-therapy sessions for myself. Feel free to just skip over it.
The weather around here is finally beginning to get warm. I have always hated winter — this year it was just especially bad… maybe because it just matched my mood — cold, dark and isolated. I guess in some ways, there’s some sense of comfort in that. During the winter, I’m not out as much and not around other people as much. Maybe that’s a good thing because I don’t think I’ve been especially good company recently.
But now spring is coming and it presents me with a whole new set of issues — I feel like I should get out more and do things, but that involves being around more people. Spring is supposed to make you feel better and find new hope. But actually I don’t and it’s an effort to hide my true feelings. This thing called grief doesn’t go away just because the seasons change.
A friend offered to come over and help me do “spring cleaning” by helping me sort through all of Claire’s things — things that remind me of her. Her theory is that once I do that, I’ll be able to move on and “get back to normal.” I find it interesting (and annoying) when everybody knows when it’s time for me to get back to living.
But here’s the thing…. spring is a time of rebirth and renewal. The trees get their leaves, and flowers come up, and birds start singing. People spend more time outside — it’s like the whole world wakes up.
But — for me it doesn’t seem like a season of rebirth or renewal. Sunnier and warmer days don’t simply wash away the way I feel. I don’t look forward to trying to ease back into the world along with everyone else.
I think I’ve learned that with grief, there isn’t any predetermined list that you have to work through — it’s like the seasons…. It comes and it goes, and it just keeps cycling over and over. I don’t know if it ever stops.
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