Once again, it’s been a long time since I updated this blog — as the old saying goes, life just got in the way. Lots has happened since the last update, but I guess maybe the most important and certainly the most exciting thing is that I’m going to have a grandson. Congratulations to Chassie and Dave — I’m completely confident that they’ll be great parents. I’m sure they’re both, understandably, a little apprehensive and while I can’t know what Chassie is thinking, I’ve been in Dave’s shoes before.
So to both you faithful readers, you’re welcome to continue, but this blog is to my son as he’s getting ready for one of the greatest experiences in his life — becoming a dad.
My philosophy is to not give advice — unless people ask for it. Of course, if I followed my own philosophy, this blog would end right here. So — even though you haven’t asked, here’s my advice to you about becoming a new father. It’s based on my experience and means absolutely nothing. The fact is that I didn’t follow much of the advice I’m about to jot down here. Remember, it’s a lot easier to look back and talk about what should have been done, than to do it in the heat of battle.
I know you’ve heard me say many times that the job of being a dad doesn’t come with a manual. If ever there was a job that needed a manual, it’s being a dad. This blog isn’t intended to be a manual. It won’t solve all, or probably any, of your problems. It’s just a few “tips” that I wish I’d heard (and paid attention to) before I became a dad. I pass them along with no guarantee — with or without them, you will be an absolutely awesome dad.
Becoming a father is possibly the best thing that can happen to a guy. Of course you’ve got all the gross stuff like diapers, and more stress than you ever thought possible, pretty much a complete loss of privacy, constant worry about expenses, education, accidents, drugs, and all the possible ways you can screw things up — but — other than that, being a dad is wonderful.
Every guy has worries that he won’t be a great dad, that he’ll mess up or be a failure. Dude — that’s part of the deal — it comes with the job.
For me, the first couple of months of being a dad are the most difficult. Babies cry all the time — sometimes they hurt, sometimes they just cry… Moms seem to have a built-in system to know if they’re crying for a reason or just crying. I never did. I felt so much better when you guys were able to tell us what was wrong. New babies want to be fed at all hours of the night and lots of nights are pretty much sleepless and you walk around like a zombie all day. It gets easier as they fall into a somewhat regular sleeping pattern. I found the first couple of years the hardest (but maybe also the most fun.) It does get easier — trust me.
The thing that may amaze you the most is how quickly the years fly by. It’s still hard for me to believe you’re married and going to be a dad — and me a granddad! The time you’ll have with your son is short — and precious. Spend as much time as you can with him, and try to make it quality time. Watch and listen to him — he knows when your mind has drifted off to mundane things like work… Make the most of your time with him — there’s not enough of it.
This one was a hard one for me, hopefully you’ll do better. There aren’t any mom and dad responsibilities. Be involved with everything in raising your son — share the load with Chassie. Guys can change diapers, too — and all the other activities that seem non-stop when the baby arrives. Don’t be one of those dads that distinguish between mom and dad parenting duties.
You may think you know now, but you don’t — just how much patience you’re going to need. Your son is going to test your patience in ways you can’t even imagine. Try not to get angry or frustrated — that’s not the best for your son and its not the best for you. Count to ten, take a deep breath or take a walk… I certainly never accomplished this to my satisfaction, and you probably won’t either, but practice being patient — you’ll be glad you did.
There are going to be many times your son is going to do things that will make your head explode. It’ll start early and it’ll continue… your job is to teach him not to do those things, and that’s important, but remember to keep things in perspective. Most of the horrible things are really funny, so just try to find the humor in them —it’ll help you keep your sanity and besides, they make for great stories later on. While on the subject of teaching your son to do the right things, try not to teach or demand that he submit to orders no matter what. Teach him to make decisions — he’ll like that. Just be sure to limit those decisions to parameters that you set…. now that I’ve said that, there has to be limits. It’s not good to always say “yes.” Sometimes it’s easier, and sometimes you’ll really want to, but it’s important that he learn “no.” Of course, don’t over use no, either — set your boundaries and be consistent. It’s a tough area, but remember you can’t always be your son’s best friend — he’ll have lots of friends. Sometimes you have to be more than a dad, you have to be a parent.
One thing that I enjoyed and didn’t realize how much I enjoyed it until later, was reading to you guys. You should read to your son from the start — It’ll get him in the habit of reading and it gives you some special time together. Reading is important and so is playing… with all the structure we seem to put in kids lives today, playing is becoming a lost art. Give him as much free play as possible — just let him play — make things up — and have fun. And no matter how silly or far-fetched his “free play” seems, play with him — his imagination is developing and that’s a good thing. You playing with him will spark his imagination even more (and you’ll be surprised at how much fun you’ll have.)
Another thing that’s easier said than done is to let your son be himself. It’s a natural tendency to try to mold him into the person you want him to be. Try to instill good behavior and teach him good values, but let him be himself. Just like every human on earth, your son will have quirks and and a personality unique only to him. Let that personality flourish — you never know how good those quirks may turn out to be and what they may allow him to accomplish.
Let him be independent — no, teach him to be independent. There’s going to be lots of times you’ll find it much easier, and faster, to just do something for him rather than letting him do it. Let him do it, and encourage him to do it — it’ll build his self-confidence and responsibility and it might even save you some time and work later on….
It’s easy to tell your son what he should do (and not do.) But the fact is, he’s going to learn from what you do. Don’t forget that he’s always going to be watching you and your behavior in various situations. All or a lot of these behavior characteristics will rub off on him, so try to behave like you’d like your son to….
Probably the biggest mistake I made was not being there for you. Your job and other things in life are important, but not as important as your son. Always set aside time every day for him. Don’t let anything get in the way of this special time. And those big moments in his life – baseball or soccer games, birthdays, science fairs or any of the many activities he’ll be involved in — try your best to be there.
It’s not good to have one parent say one thing, just to have the other contradict that parent. You and Chassie should be working together as a team, and should stand by each other’s decisions. Something that’s important is that you both discuss these decisions beforehand and try to get on the same page — so you don’t have to support a decision you disagree with. Along these same lines, always treat Chassie with love and respect — that’s not being a good dad, that’s being a good person. Just keep in mind that your son will learn from your behavior — so treat his mom like you’d like to be treated. It’s hard enough to grow up — it’s even harder growing up in a household where the parents are disrespectful of each other….
So… after all this rambling, what’s the bottom line? Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve been sitting here staring at the computer screen for a few minutes, wondering what should I say to you that someday you can say, “Before I became a dad, the best advice I ever got from my dad was…..” And — – I got nothing. So just be a better dad than your dad. Love you guys and the new baby W lots!!!!
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