On July 30, I put my thoughts on \u201cpaper\u201d via this blog as to how I was feeling exactly six months after Claire passed away. It was an exercise suggested by someone that thought putting your feelings in writing would help you deal with a difficult situation like grief. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did that \u2014 and \u2014 it honestly wasn\u2019t much help. But I said that in another six months I would sit down and put my feelings on paper again\u2026. and then compare it to what I wrote six months ago. At the time I expressed hope that what I am about to write today would show some progress on my journey through this thing that is apparently called grief. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But before I start, these are my words to Claire today \u2014 you can read it or skip over it. I don\u2019t mind you reading it, but it\u2019s for Claire\u2026. the light of my life and the accumulation of all the good that ever happened to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Menoi,
I think about you all the time. My memories of you are as vivid as ever \u2014 like pictures frozen in time. I remember your eyes and the way they would sparkle when you were happy and sometimes darken with the weight of your worries. And I loved to hear you laugh \u2014 your laugh was infectious. I remember how you could always change the mood with just your look.
I remember the feel of your body against me \u2014 the comfort in the way we fit together. I remember holding you and how you would sigh with contentment, and I knew that in those moments, everything was right in our world. Your touch always gave me a sense of calm and belonging I\u2019ve never found anywhere else.
I always loved your smile and how your eyes would light up when you made me laugh. Sometimes it seemed like making me happy was all you ever wanted, and you were good at it \u2014 very, very good at it \u2014 you made me feel loved and wanted.
I\u2019m not sure I remember everything, but I remember a lot and I hold on to those memories dearly, because that\u2019s what I\u2019ve got left now. I never imagined I would have to live without you. You\u2019re certainly still with me, right here in my heart, in all those memories. It\u2019s not the same, but it carries me through.
I often just looked at you and was always amazed that someone like you could love me. I tried to tell you how much I loved you often, and when I did, your smile was like sunshine on a cloudy day \u2014 it truly lit up the room. I miss seeing that smile every morning \u2014 no matter how bad the day, your smile could fix it.
I miss you when something good happens, because you\u2019re the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you\u2019re the one that understood and made me feel better, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent together.
I told you I\u2019d love you always and forever \u2014 and I meant it. That promise didn\u2019t end when you left. You may not be here physically, but you are always with me in spirit. In my heart, we are still together, just like we always were. Just like the words in that song that made me cry at your funeral\u2026.. \u201cand everywhere I am, there you\u2019ll be.\u201d
There\u2019s an emptiness in my life without you that can never be filled, but I carry you with me in my thoughts, in my memories and in the love for you that will always live within me \u2014 I try to tell myself you aren\u2019t truly gone.
You are forever in my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ok \u2014 so where do I stand today and what have I learned in the past year?
Losing Claire literally changed every single thing in my world. The way I eat changed, the way I watch TV changed, my circle of friends changed (or disappeared entirely.) My family dynamic changed, my financial status changed. I have re-evaluated my self worth and my confidence. The way I breathe changed, my mentality and my brain function changed. My sense of humor changed\u2026 every \u2014 single \u2014 thing changed.
I was handed a new life that I never asked for and I don\u2019t want.\u00a0
Throughout the year people have told me I\u2019d get \u201cbetter,\u201d and that in time I\u2019d \u201crecover.\u201d As expected, that sounded ridiculous to me. If you look up recovery in the dictionary, it means to return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. I read that to mean to regain what was lost, or to be compensated for what was taken. Well, here\u2019s the problem\u2026 things are not going to just go back to normal. There\u2019s been a big hole torn in my life, and no matter what happens next, it won\u2019t compensate for that hole. Claire can\u2019t come back. That loss can\u2019t be regained. So by the dictionary definition, there is absolutely no point that I will \u201crecover\u201d from her loss. Now if there is no \u201chealing\u201d in terms of being as good as new and I can\u2019t \u201crecover,\u201d what do I do?
That, of course, is my real problem \u2014 how do I find ways to live with my loss. I can\u2019t fix that hole \u2014 how do I build my life around the edge of it?\u00a0
I don\u2019t think you overcome grief \u2014 you learn to live along side of it \u2014 and you learn to survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What did the last year teach me? On July 30, I put my thoughts on \u201cpaper\u201d via this blog as to how I was feeling exactly six months after Claire passed away. It was an exercise suggested by someone that thought putting your feelings in writing would … Continue reading
That time doesn\u2019t heal.
That you don\u2019t lose someone once \u2014 you lose them every day\u2026.probably for a lifetime.
There really is nothing lonelier than outliving someone you love.
I think I\u2019ve learned that suffering doesn\u2019t make you stronger, or build character \u2014 it just hurts.
Life can be very cruel.
I\u2019ve learned who my friends are.
Someone telling me that I\u2019ll never be given more than I can handle doesn\u2019t make me feel any better.
I guess apparently the body doesn\u2019t run out of tears.
A heart can<\/em> break.
Not everything<\/em> happens for a reason.
I have no time for bullshit.
You don\u2019t die from grief \u2014 I wish you did.
Grief is kind of like when your entire world falls apart and no one else\u2019s life changes.
But the most important thing I\u2019ve learned about grief is that it\u2019s a long hard road with no end \u2014 and, it\u2019s relentless.
\u2014 30 \u2014<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"