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<\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\nIt\u2019s just a fact of life that almost everyone will go through the loss of a loved one. When it happens \u2014 to someone else \u2014 people are sympathetic, but they don\u2019t really understand. After a short time, they return to their lives and everything goes back to normal \u2014 for them.
But for us suffering the loss, things will never be the same again. Life won\u2019t return to normal. Maybe there will be a new \u201cnormal,\u201d but it won\u2019t be the same, and reality sets in as we realize what that means for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course, you know that I\u2019m talking about myself and my efforts to deal with the loss of Claire.
The first few weeks, I heard things like \u201ctry not to think about it,\u201d \u201cbe strong,\u201d \u201clife must go on,\u201d and other such words of \u201cencouragement.\u201d It\u2019s normal to say things like that, but they don\u2019t fix anything\u2026. right now, the situation can\u2019t be fixed.
Another group of people tried consoling me by suggesting that what had happened was \u201cfor the best,\u201d or \u201cit was a blessing,\u201d or \u201cshe\u2019s in a better place.\u201d Of course it doesn\u2019t seem like a blessing to me and I certainly don\u2019t think she\u2019s in a better place \u2014 she\u2019s not here with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For a couple of months, people told me, \u201cyou are handling this so well\u201d or \u201cyou are so strong.\u201d The fact is that I was numb. Everything happened so fast and there was so much to do, that nothing felt real \u2014 I was convinced it all had to be a bad dream. So I kept busy and tried to comfort our kids and relatives, and to make sure they were ok.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But now that numbness has worn off and I\u2019ve experienced a range of emotions and feelings that I didn\u2019t even know existed. I\u2019ve found myself getting worse \u2014 not better. I find every day a thousand times more difficult than they were at the time she died.
Every day, I wonder what\u2019s wrong with me \u2014 why am I not handling this better? By now things should be getting better, but they seem to be falling apart.
Someone said that grief is the cost of loving. I suppose that\u2019s maybe true, but It\u2019s certainly a high price to pay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It seems like everyone has their own idea of how grief works \u2014 right now, I can tell you that I have no<\/em> idea. I really can\u2019t describe how I feel \u2014 I\u2019m angry, sad, miserable, confused, befuddled, disoriented, reclusive, lonely, mindless, and I could go on and on \u2014 it seems like I go directly from one state into the next. I guess in a nutshell, it feels like I\u2019m losing my mind. I\u2019m constantly trying to accept something that is unacceptable. I find myself totally exhausted \u2014 I go to bed tired, don\u2019t sleep well, and get up tired. All my energy is apparently being used up just trying to survive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n While I do have short periods when I think I\u2019m getting better, suddenly out of nowhere I get this overwhelming feeling of grief \u2014 it\u2019s like I imagine a panic attack must feel\u2026. I guess these are \u201cgrief attacks.\u201d So far I\u2019ve suffered through Valentine\u2019s Day, Mother\u2019s Day, her birthday, our anniversary, and our daughter and son\u2019s birthdays, but sometimes just \u201cthings\u201d bring on these attacks \u2014 her favorite TV program, a letter \u2014 still addressed to her, or even just seeing one of her good friends\u2026..<\/p>\n\n\n\n Something that Claire used to say all the time \u2014 \u201cit is what it is\u201d \u2014 that\u2019s true. I\u2019m trying to make the most of what I have left. Right now, I\u2019m not sure how I\u2019m going to do that, but six months from today, I\u2019m going to sit down and put my feelings on paper\u2026. and then compare it to what I wrote today. Hopefully, my words then will reflect some amount of progress on my journey\u2026.. Six months ago today Claire, and a huge part of me, died. I didn\u2019t write what\u2019s below for this blog, or even for anyone to read. I wrote it for myself. Someone told me sometimes it helps to write your … Continue reading
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